It’s Time We Exercise Agency in Our Sex Lives

Ever since the Aziz Ansari story broke a few weeks back, there’s been lots of chatter about whether or not what happened should be considered sexual assault and/or harassment or a simple lack of communication.

As one of my friends put it: Rape is a crime. Sexual assault is a crime. But “being a nasty-sleazy-sloppy man is not punishable by law (unfortunately)”. And this incident does fall into a weird gray area that hadn’t quite been addressed by the #MeToo movement, which is why I’m glad it came to light.

I think the biggest issue this story uncovered was the fact that many women still don’t feel they have agency in their own sex lives; it’s as if they’re watching things happen to them as opposed to making things happen for them.

And this is as big a societal and cultural issue as it is a personal one.

A Digression in Service of Transparency

Before I dive in more, let me be transparent: I am a big f*cking feminist. But the “f” word can be polarizing and subjective, so, to avoid confusion, my feminism is egalitarian; I believe people, regardless of sex, gender, race, or sexual orientation, should be treated equally.

No, I don’t hate men; no, I don’t think women should have special privileges (and men shouldn’t either). My feminism is about making the world and the systems we operate in (socially, culturally, etc.) an even playing field.

Since the Aziz story involves a sexual encounter, I should also divulge that I’m bisexual but heteroamorous. If you’re like “what in the holy f*ck does that mean?”, check out this article I wrote for Elite Daily.

Are you back? Okay; let’s continue…

Exercising Agency

To reiterate, I think the underlying lesson to be learned from the Aziz headlines is this: Many women still experience a lack of agency in their sex lives. And this is as much the patriarchy’s fault as it is our own.

Now — hold up — I don’t want you to think I’m saying that women or men being raped/assaulted/harassed is in any way the survivor’s fault. NO WAY. This is a discussion of agency in our personal, sexual encounters, not how male and female survivors could have in any way prevented the atrocious crimes committed against them.

Here I’d like to discuss those incidents that fall more into a gray area, both personally — in which you’re not really sure what the f*ck just happened — and legally — where legal discourse and ramifications are blurry.

It is in these situations that exercising agency is of the utmost importance.

Why We May Not Speak Up

For too long, our voices have been silenced both in and out of the bedroom. We’re fighting against centuries of being told to be passive, to sit down and shut up. Year after year, decade after decade, and century after century of being told the same thing, of being made to believe we were less, we were lacking, has made an impact, whether we decide as individuals to live by these rules or throw them out the window.

And this impact is ubiquitous and pervasive. It touches every aspect of our lives, including our personal, sexual, and romantic ones, where it can be especially destructive.

Which brings us back to the Aziz story.

Voicing What We Want

Unfortunately, many women feel as if they can’t speak up and wield their agency, especially in sexual encounters. Yes, the patriarchy put us in this hole, but it’s up to us to start rewriting the rules and digging ourselves out. Obviously having educated, supportive allies always helps, but we can’t rely on hopefully finding ourselves in one of these gray areas with such a (seemingly) small minority.

Therefore, it’s up to us to start speaking up. Don’t assume your partner knows what you want or what your hard and soft limits are, tell them. Use the beautiful voice that has been silenced for so long to tell your partner explicitly what boundaries you have, and what he or she can expect from you.

Don’t want to have sex on the first date? Tell them.

Into some kinky sh*t that they might not have experience with? Ask them.

Yeah, it might not be the sexiest, most passionate and spontaneous sexual encounter straight out of a romance novel (shout out to “Bound by His Desert Diamond”), but you know what is sexy?

CONSENT.

But as sexy as consent is, it’s up to us to make sure our own consent is voiced. It’s not implicit, nor should it be expected, but it needs to make itself known, and that’s our responsibility.

Yes, in a perfect world all of our partners — both male and female — would be asking for it, but unfortunately, given said history of sex-drive-crushing-patriarchy, we’re not there yet; and sadly, we may never be.

So let’s take up arms in the form of agency, and turn gray areas black or white, where we know whether it’s time to get out or get down.